Not Just One Mother – Remembering Debbi

Posted on February 16, 2012 by Run For Fun

In my life, I have been very fortunate to not just have one but many mothers. Women that come into my life, who whether they know it or not, have a pivotal impact on me. One of these women is my mother-in-law, Debbi. While I was only blessed to spend five too short years with her, the impression she made on me will last a lifetime, if not more as I know the lessons she imparted onto me and my husband will be passed down to our children.

Debbi and I at my shower she helped plan

Today is Debbi’s birthday and while she is no longer with us, I wanted to pause and take a moment to remember her. It seems that not a day goes by when I do not think of Debbi or am reminded of something she did or said, but on her birthday, I thought I would share a little bit more with you.

When I first met Aaron, I had no idea that I would be gaining a very large family as well. ~~It is not at all intimidating~~ It is just damn scary to meet his three other siblings as they act in their “wolf pack mentality” (as Debbi would say). But Debbi took me under her wing at once. And when I say this, I do not mean she coddled me. Instead, she treated me as her daughter – we had long talks on the phone, AIM (yes AIM), and at her house on the Cape. She imparted words of wisdom and taught me how to make challah and rugleach (all the necessities to being a Jewish wife and mother, of course). And when I was wrong, she told me. I did not get any special treatment. When I acted like a child, she treated me like one giving me a full reprimand of shouting and all, which today just makes me laugh and smile fondly.

Picking out my wedding dress, all smiles

That was just who Debbi was. She was a mother to her four children but to so many more as well. She was a nursery school teacher teaching to low income children, most of whom came into her classroom not speaking a word of English and while she did not know their language, all of the children spoke English by the time they left her She cherished her family above all else. They were her pride and joy and I am honored that she let me be a part of that group.

So today I remember the little things. Debbi…

- driving me two hours to get my hair and makeup tested for my wedding, just because;

- being able to pick out the head piece for my wedding among hundreds when I was overwhelmed;

- yelling at Aaron to put me on the phone before we had ever even met so she could tell me how to dress for an impromptu dinner;

- hurdling us all into the car to go to brunch at the Cape because if we waited just one more second for me to change out of my workout clothes, we would be caught in the line;

- telling me never to name my child just Debbi because she did not like that name, “No Debbis” she said and reminding me that when I am pregnant to promise to just step on the scale backwards (she knew I was a bit crazy).

Passover Seder. Sure it is a really important holiday but that does not mean we can’t dress up and have fun

Aaron and I reenacting the plaques

These are not the most monumental occasions; I could talk about those – graduations, birthdays, or weddings. But that is not what Debbi was about. It was the little things – sharing a book, teaching me how to knit, going shopping, etc. that I remember most and that come into my head time and time again…

This morning Aaron sat for over a good two hours playing video games. I asked if he would still be there when I got home to which he responded “No I will have beaten the game by then.” Aaron I said, what would your mother say. He responded she would say “Oooo Aaron” in the certain sing-song voice that only those who knew her can now hear. I told him, I was thinking the exact same thing….

I hope you have all been as blessed as I to have a Debbi in your life. I challenge you to take a moment and remember him or her now.

If you are reading this and knew Debbi, she some stories with me. If not, share some other stories of people you love. You can also go visit Debbi anytime and remember. She blogged about her journey here and I am thankful I have that to cherish always and to show my future children.

One of my favorite memories is Debbi and my aunts and sisters-in-laws throwing me this shower…

The Hunger Games & Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 15, 2012 by Run For Fun

Hi all, remember me? I know that I usually post every day but Ihave missed the past two days. Work has been pretty busy, and while that could be the reason I have not been blogging it is not. I blog at home, so where have I been? I mainly blame my absence on this

*Source

I am fairly late to the games, no pun intended. I am probably the last person ever to read this book, but if for some crazy unknown reason you have not read this book yet, stop whatever you are doing and go get it. You are seriously doing yourself a disservice by not reading this book. Do NOT go to the movie first, I beg you, read the book!

So in actuality, I am not reading the book. I am actually listening to it on audiotape. I usually get audiotapes for when I have to run alone (which is actually pretty incredible, definitely don’t knock it until you try it). Yet, I decided to get an audiobook for Hunger Games and not just for running because I have a lot of trouble holding books due to neck pain. I am so glad I did. It allows me to “read” on the go like at Physical Therapy this morning (sorry Aaron, I know you wanted to chat but I had to listen to Katniss’s plans to destroy and steal all of the Careers’ food by the pond). It also allows me to take long relaxing baths while listening to my book – my new favorite hobby.

The other reason I have been MIA is Valentine’s Day, of course. A few weeks ago Aaron asked me what I wanted to do for Valentine’s Day. This is a change because I am a HUGE planner (could you ever guess) and usually I have our plans set way in advance. This year, however, I am no longer so in love with restaurants and all that jazz and just wanted to stay home and have a picnic by our fireplace complete with pizza (I have such advanced taste buds). The only issue is our fireplace, which is gas, has not worked since we moved in in May. I made it abundantly clear to Aaron, by dropping some “subtle” hints that if the fireplace was not working by Valentine’s Day I would be less than thrilled. I think he got the idea and by Monday this was me:

My very own fireplace!!

I did not expect or want much else. Yesterday, I went about my day and managed to get into a sizable fight with Aaron over nonsense logistics on the way home. I sure felt like a fool though because when I got home, I opened up the fridge to this…

Yes, a homemade edible arrangement. I love Edible Arrangements but they never have watermelon in the winter so Aaron went and made his own! He went to the store and found great watermelon as well as a picnic basket for our picnic. I proceeded to then make the best looking pizza yet and we dined on pizza and fruit.

In my world, pizza is its own food group

Aaron is lying on a heated blanket, the best way to picnic!

If that was not enough, I got another surprise. Robin stopped by on her way home to drop off these…

Yes Robin made these. They almost look too good to eat, almost…

Robin is an amazing baker. Her cookies are incredible! Thanks Robin! I could not have asked for a better Valentine’s Day.

How do you all spend your holiday? Have you read Hunger Games yet?

Garmin Free is the Way to Be – Letting Go & Relaxing

Posted on February 12, 2012 by Run For Fun

Friday was my scheduled rest day. Friday I ran 13 miles. I cannot tell you how long this 13 miles took me or what pace I went or if I stopped at 12.99 or 13.01. All I know is that Friday instead of resting, I ran 13 miles and had a blast.

Credit Aaron, took the picture while rollerblading

It is no secret that I have been struggling both physically and emotionally. I have been stressing a great deal about what is the “right” thing to do to get my period back and what that might mean for my day-to-day life, my running, and most importantly my family and my future. People have been incredibly supportive and have offered wise words, advise, and comfort. But I have continued to struggle with ensuring that I am doing the “right” thing, eating the “right” food, and exercising the “right” allotted amount. All of this becomes more stressful as I cannot expect to see results immediately and have no idea if I am helping the situation. All I can really see is that my pants feel tighter, my stomach hurts a lot, and that each pregnancy test that my doctors make me take before another test is negative.

Most importantly people have told me to relax. To not judge myself or worry if I am making the “right” decision. With all of the above, you can see how it can be hard to just relax. I am used to being in control. I wanted to be a lawyer, I went to law school, I studied hard, I became a lawyer. I wanted a house, we looked around, we bought a house. But this, this is not something really in control. I have been even more judgmental about myself for wanting this control and wanting to do the right thing and not wanting to slow down, especially with my running.

Ultimately, though, I knew I needed a break. I will be getting the blood tests back next week and until then there is not much I can do. Until then, I have been pushing myself to be gentle, to relax, to enjoy myself, and to start turning my mind to change. That was my goal for this weekend and considering it took a good amount of energy to get out of my nice relax bath to write this post, I feel I have accomplished it. This weekend I ran, I indulged in ice-cream and wine, I slept 11 hours, I did not leave the house for the day. This weekend I relaxed.

This relaxation idea had been stewing all week. I have been stressed, anxious, and have been having trouble concentrating. Thus, on Thursday when XLMIC started to put challenges into my head, I knew it was time to take her up on them. She challenged me to find 5 moments of joy in the next 24 hours and to write them down. They could also be workout focused. If I had something on my workout agenda that I did not want to do, she pushed me to just do something else and not follow the plan. To really just RUN FOR FUN. Both challenges seemed difficult at the time, especially since Friday was supposed to be a rest day. But as my close friend has reminded me time and time again, I am the QUEEN of challenges and before I knew it I had more than 5 moments of joy.

The really eye opening experience, however, was Friday when, after work was over for the day, I headed out for my long run. A long run was not on the schedule for Friday. I did not have much time on my hands but it was beautiful out and although I was tired from a long day at work and it was almost dark, I could not help myself especially since my husband said he would join me.

We started out together. Aaron had to run two miles. He wanted to run the second mile at a 9 minute pace which is just about right, maybe even too fast, for a long run, so I said I would join him for that and then he would cool down and I would continue on. He would then catch up to me on his rollerblades.

Two Thumbs up for Rollerblades

By the time Aaron caught up to me, I was not happy. I was slugging along at a slower pace than I wanted and ready to quit. It was at that point I remembered XLMIC’s challenge and decided the hell with it. I took off the Garmin and told Aaron to take us to 13 miles and to never tell me the pace or the time.

From that moment on, I was in heaven. We chatted, we stopped to drink and eat Shotbloks, we sung songs and blew kisses (ok only me), and we had a blast. I felt strong, I felt confident about my run, I felt good.

I do not know the pace of this run. If it was fast or if it was slow, but it felt strong and speedy. Could it have been really slow? Sure. But for that day, for me, it was perfect.

And now, I am kind of starting to get it. Relaxing and reducing intensity, if that is necessary, is like this long run. It is going out there and running and enjoying myself without numbers. I can do this on a long run or on a speed day – to just go out and listen to my body for the day and see what I can do, to not be dictated by numbers.

I am not going to lie. This still scares me even now the thought of doing this on the elliptical tomorrow makes my heart beat quickly in an anxious sort of way. I like the comfort of the Garmin and the help it provides me in knowing I am hitting my paces. I used to think there was something wrong with that. That is was not ok to be competitive. However, my good friend was able to show me that that is not wrong, that is just how I am and how many runners are. I like knowing the numbers; I like having goals and completing them; I like racing and there is nothing wrong with that. But right now I have another goal and I need to focus on that for now.

Anyone that can put up with you when studying for the bar exam and come out the other side is a friend for life, clearly.

So if I need to reduce intensity, I will. I will run by the way my body feels each day and be gentle with it. Fast will be relative to the day and not the time on a treadmill or a watch. Fo I love this idea? No. Am I totally, 100% excited about it? No. Do I need you all to remind of the fact that this is ok and just a different type of reason? Yes! And if this is the course I have to take, I will and I will keep coming back to my wonderful, Garmin Free Long Run which showed me truly how to Run for Fun.

Garmin Free is the Way to Be (Thanks Jenny!)

Ok time to go back to fuzzy pants and Hunger Games. Enjoy your week!

Have you ever gone Garmin free?

Running Slump & Five Moments of Joy

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Run For Fun

First a winnner!! Kelly at Running Kellometers is our winner. Congrats Kelly! Send me an email please!

I would like to tell you that my plan from yesterday went well and that I had the best run ever because I took it slow and everything fell into place. Well, I did take it slow, but everything did not fall into place. Instead, the run yet again went like this:

Start, commence huffing and puffing. Stop. Catch Breath. Start again a little slower. Legs feeling sluggish. Stop again. Start again a little slower. And on we went until we got to 4 miles. It was not pretty…

Of course, I did not take it well. Commence massive text messaging to Robin as soon as I completed to workout and a lot of use of the word:

FAIL!

So for what seems like the millionth time in the last few weeks, I need to reassess. After talking with Robin, we both agreed that my body might be telling me a thing or two. Maybe that I am exhausted or sick we thought? But I feel ok. More likely that I am emotionally spent, tired, and overwhelmed. Yup, that sounds about right. I realized today that is has been 3 weeks since I first went to the doctor and he told me to “sit on my butt and eat french fries.” Since then, my life has been through for a loop. Can you tell from my crazy blog entries lately? I promise to be a bit more upbeat tomorrow and actually get around to my 11 Things Post, I promise.

Today, I spent a good amount of time talking to this wise lady and we had a little blogger therapy where all signs again pointed to the need for me to RELAX, SLOW DOWN, & BE POSITIVE. This has been so hard for me. I want a GRAND plan. I want to be in control. But I also really really want a baby. So I guess I really do need to relax and slow down. In again comes the question of whether the crazy emotions and poor runs are telling me that I am still doing too much. If a strict training plan with hard workouts are still too hard to get where I need to be. There remains many unanswered questions and things I cannot control and honestly I hate that.

Ultimately, I am still not sure what I am going to do and where I am going with this and that kills me. For right now though I am taking this time to contemplate and reflect. When my tests comes back, my doctor and I can make a better plan and I might have to make some big decisions involving running yet again.

But for right now, I will take some wise advice and for the next 24 hours find 5 moments of joy and write them down and relish in them. I will continue to contemplate my options but I will work hard to not let it consume me. I will strive to relax and be positive…

Do you ever stop to think about moments of joy? How do you relax and let go of control? What do you do if you are in a running slump?

I am a Stubborn Runner

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Run For Fun

Unfortunately, I am a “Stubborn Runner.”

I do not like when things don’t go my way…

I would like to tell you all that I am a good little runner. That I take my mistakes and learn from them easily. That when I sit down to look at what went right and what went wrong, in my latest run, that I take the “what went wrong part” and work on changing it and improving it. But alas, I am a Stubborn Runner and apparently that is not what us stubborn runners like to do. Instead, we contemplate the run, assess what went right and what went wrong and then proceed on doing the exact same thing the next time instead of trying to make changes.

Case in point, the last two treadmill hills workouts I have run, have been less than stellar. Last Thursday, I did 4 miles with three hills. I wanted to break 30 minutes. End result was more like 31 and change. My stomach hurt all during this run and I had to keep jumping off the treadmill and resting. Afterwards, I thought about why my stomach was so upset. Maybe it did not like the granola bar I ate right before I went on the treadmill, although I often eat granola bars right before I run and/or maybe I was going too fast.
Fast forward to Tuesday, 3 miles 3 hills on the treadmill. Same situation – bad stomach pains and a lot of starting and stopping. Instead of under 22 minutes my time was 22:42 and that is being generous.

Maybe I should just stick to the natural runner’s food groups before a run – you know, ice-cream and sprinkles and the like

I have been contemplating these runs a great deal. Thinking that it would be wise for me to change my eating patterns and/or slow down. I would like to go outside and give that a whirl (because I think I do better outside) but honestly there is something about the dark and cold mornings that I just don’t do. Instead, I like to wait until the very last second and sleep as much as I can and then hop out of bed and cram in some quick miles before scurrying to work. But if I am going to just stick with the treadmill, something has got to change. I know this and I have been battling with it all week. Ideally, I need to get through tomorrow’s 4 mile treadmill run with 3 hills WITHOUT STOPPING. I have run 26.2 miles without stopping, I can run 4! But lately on the treadmill I cannot seem to do this. This means only one thing to me. I need to slow down!

The idea of slowing down on these lower milage runs is hard on me and on my pride. I want to do my best every time I run and work as hard as possible thus it is very difficult for me to force myself to go slower. However, I know based on the past two runs slower might be my faster for right now. I also know that there are other important goals besides just having my fastest run. Right now my goal needs to be to get through a run without stopping and with no stomach pains.

So tomorrow, I will promise to start slower. I will start at a 7:53 pace and assess how I feel. If it feels really good, I will kick it up one notch. If it feels bad, I will kick it down. If I feel just ok, I will just keep it at the 7:53 and go from there. I WILL NOT STOP! That has to be the goal for tomorrow and one I have to accept. As for the tummy pains, I might try a half of banana tomorrow morning instead but we shall see how I feel when I wake up..

So that’s it. Here is to becoming less of a stubborn runner…..

Are you a stubborn runner? Any good advice from one runner to the next?

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday Amenorrhea Style

Posted on February 7, 2012 by Run For Fun

Warning: If you are a bit faint at heart or squeamish, there is a bit more needle/medical talk in this post…

Stephanie – One; Amenorrhea – Zero!

Yay for long day being over

So today I went for a fun day long fun day of blood tests. Generally this should have been a fairly simple procedure. The doctor told me beforehand that I would be incredibly bored and that it would be a long, but easy day. They would draw blood every 10 minutes but it would not really be noticeable as done through a IV line or whatever you call it. I brought all necessary supplies to keep me busy – laptop, books, coloring books (yes coloring books, no judgment), and of course an Aaron.

Never go anywhere without an Aaron.

Unfortunately, things did not go so well. Apparently, I don’t like to give up blood a.k.a my blood “flow” was slow and would stop. This ultimately meant that they had to keep trying different veins in my arms we started with the right, then went to the left, back to the right, twice on the left, again on the right, and then finally on the left (I am serious this was a 2 hour ordeal). They had to “massage” (a.k.a push down hard on my arm) and manipulate the needles to get any blood. It was not pretty and to add to the fun they kept putting band aides over the spots and ripping them off. It was crazy painful (but I am fine now Grandma, I promise, don’t worry!).

Not so happy (look my feet almost touch the floor…right)

All the research fellows wanted me to give up. They kept telling me that we did not have to do this study and that I could go home. But I knew that this study also meant a lot for our treatment plan. The results from this study would help us know what was the best route to take in my treatment. These blood samples would measures the pulses of my hormones and tell us where to go next instead of having to go with the “Guess and Check Method,” which might take months. Thus I was determined to get this done no matter what. This led us to lots of needle pricking and “fun needle in the hand day” (I will spare you the picture). In other words, they ended up drawing blood from a vein in my hand and putting in a saline IV to keep me very hydrated. They also made me keep my arm propped and straight, my legs up, and put hot packs on my hands and arms, all in hopes of keeping the blood flowing – fun.

Thought instead I would show you how to get to the bathroom with an IV in your hand

So that’s that. Stephanie – One; Amenorrhea – Zero. We got the tests done and hopefully, even though we missed a lot of blood samples, it should be enough to get a good sample and help us make a plan. We should know more next week.

By the way, big thanks to all the wonderful blogger support today especially Jenny with her rocking Twitter jokes keeping me smiling. Also my friend Janette who came to visit and texted me throughout to make me smile. Thanks ladies!

But as hard as today was. It reminded me of something that I almost forgot in the past two weeks -

I AM STRONG! I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

I WILL PRESERVE!

How do you stay strong and preserve when things get tough?

Reliquishing Control – Amenorrhea Update

Posted on February 4, 2012 by Run For Fun

Have you entered my CEP Compression Sweepstakes here or checked out my audition post here?

Did you know that blogging is actually just a cheaper version of therapy? It is ~~kind of~~ exactly like journaling, except for the fact that everyone else reads it (minor detail, right?) So here is hoping that I get in a good therapy session with this post. Tomorrow, I promise I will talk about running, ok? Deal.

These past few days I have been working on acceptance, and it has not been easy in the least. Whether it is running or “real life,” I am just a little Type A, can you tell? I want to be able to control everything! If there is a problem, I want to be told how to fix it and then I can simply take the steps to do so. In law school, this was problematic. I wanted my professors to give me exact answers, they could not. They would try to tell me to see the forest instead of the trees, but I was just so darn fixated on those trees; they are important too, right? That is kind of what this journey has been like thus far. I want to control everything, I want answers, I want to know if I do X, Y, and Z, then everything will fall into place, but I cannot know that and that is really really hard.

But I still made it through Law School, so I can make it through this, right?

So let’s back up. As I mentioned previously, my nutritionist and I spoke about decreasing the workouts and increasing food intake by about 200 calories. I thought that was going to be easy and so far the workout decrease has been fine. The food increase has been surprisingly hard. It should be easy, but, in all honesty, it has not been. I find myself fixated on the right foods to eat and reexamining my diet at every turn. Am I eating too many carbs? Do I need more dairy fats? Just more healthy fats? How much proteins?

Nutella or Peanut Butter, you tell me.

This is exhausting and while I hope to meet with my nutritionist this week, I know that part of all these thoughts are just symptoms masking my anxiety and that I have to deal with the real issues. On top of all of this is the underlying comments and opinions that people have said. Some say I am at a healthy weight and do not need to gain countered with those that think I do need to gain is troubling. And to put the cherry on the sundae, this week none of my clothes seem to be fitting right and are much more snug. I have been off Provera for three weeks and only a minor increase in food for one week, it just seems…weird. I feel uncomfortable and uncertain in my body.

O.k. enough of the brain dump now an actual update (feel free to skim). I went to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday and I loved her. She was so wonderful and spoke to us for a long time wanting to know everything about me and my history. I am really excited to work with her. But what exactly does she think and what is exactly the issue is, she is not sure yet. When I asked her if she thought my plan of decrease exercise increase food was a good one that would help, she said she was not sure since I had never tried that before. She sent us for an ultrasound and to meet her associate who we would work closely with (who btw thought my weight was fine and to give the cardio a rest).

Now, the way I understand it (and I really don’t), there could be two issues I could be dealing with here that are causing me not to ovulate and not get my period (and don’t quote me on this, I was never a big Bio fan). The first could be the issue of Hypothalamic Amenorrhea without going into too much detail; it is mainly an issue with the hypothalamus in my brain not producing any or enough of the hormones needed for ovulation. This is often treated through changing lifestyle factors – exercise and potentially weight gain. The other, and my knowledge is weak here, has to do with polycystic ovaries (but not the syndrome). The associate doing the ultrasound told us this information. It is all a bit fuzzy but my main take away was that about 25% of women have this and we could likely get me to ovulate with Clomid (a drug used to induce ovulation). But right now overall, no actual plan has been set. First on Tuesday, I am going to have have this all day test where they draw my blood every 10 minutes and that will tell them a ton more of how we should proceed. Apparently, what this really means is on Tuesday I will be stuck in a chair for 10 hours and am free to Tweet, read blogs, catch up on Daily Mile etc., so make sure to keep me company please!

So there you have it, all the technical stuff. But for me it all comes back to the fact that I have NO control here. I do not really have any complete answers and don’t know if what I am doing will work. Put this on top of the random weight and bloating issues and it is unsettling, to say the least.

I really like control. Just ask Brenna who is cool enough to race in pink tights!

Today, I am working hard on acceptance. I am working to relinquish control. I am working on being happy. This is hard stuff. It has made me a bit sad. But writing can be therapy right? So, I am resolving to take on a challenge for the rest of the afternoon. I am going to fake it until I make it and I am going to try and give myself a few hours off to just enjoy myself and let the process be what it is. I trust my doctors and my team and I need to relax. So for now that is what I am going to try and do just that. No more weeping at this moment it is time to go enjoy the weekend and relinquish the control I want to have.

I like to let go by cuddling on the couch…how else?

How do you let get? Happy Weekend All!

Audition Post – When You Run for the Right Reasons

Posted on February 2, 2012 by Run For Fun

This year, I have been lucky enough to become a Fit Fluential Ambassador. This is an audition post to see if anyone out there might be interested in having me write for them. I hope everyone enjoys getting to know a little big more about me. Thanks for stopping by.

Hi there, I am Stephanie and I blog over at Run for Fun and I would love the opportunity to write for your company. Your commitment to fitness, health, nutrition, and happiness parallel my own; we could not be a better fit. Together, I believe that we can attract more readers who will return to your website and magazine as you offer them real advice from real people who value health, fitness, and happiness and who are having a blast living life to the fullest!

Hi I am Steph and I Run for Fun!

Sometimes my husband even joins in with me!

Now, it is one thing to make grand statements of additional readers and supporters, but it is another thing to explain why and actually show you what makes me unique. To do this, I have to share with you a little bit of my story and then how I envision us working together.

Run for Fun was born last April when I was about to give up. Yes, there I said it. After I had proclaimed my disgust for running, after I said there was no need to wakeup every day and push myself harder and harder, and after I had decided that this whole running thing was not for me and it did not make me happy, I turned around and created an actual website entitled “Run for Fun.” Why? Because running and exercising was no longer fun. It had become something I had to do in the morning. I had to run because I needed to stay skinny; I had to run because I wanted to eat that extra bowl of ice-cream; and I had to run because that is what everyone expected and what my Type A personality told me to do. Yet, all of those hads and shoulds got me nowhere. They caused me to hate running and make me want to give up.

When running is not fun, it can look like this L

But changing your attitude and mindset, running can become this!

It was at this point that I realized things needed to change and fast; that my running and whole outlook on health and nutrition was wrong. So I began to run for the Three Fs – Fun, Fitness, and Friends. And when running became focused on the Three Fs things fell into line. I began to run because I wanted to. I looked forward to toeing the line at races, weekend long runs with friends, and enjoying the epic “Runner’s High.” It was not just about being skinny or eating an extra bowl of ice-cream but about being healthy. It was about training for a goal and looking to the future knowing that I was strong, healthy, and capable of doing anything. It was, in short, one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I became empowered. I became alive.

Flying high on life!

It took me a long time to get there. In fact, for years I struggled with healthy eating. It was not easy and it took me a long time to turn my life around. But today, I run for the right reasons and live a life full of happiness and health. Too many women and men, as well, struggle to get to this point. They go to the gym because they have to; they run because it keeps them “skinny” or because they want that extra slice a of pizza. Ultimately, they end up hating it. They fall off the bandwagon because it is not FUN. It is not something they want to do but something they have to do. For too many, simple exercise might become something they despise or even worse an obsession that leads to disordered thoughts, eating, and exercise. I empathize with your readers and grasp how hard truly being “healthy” and honest with yourself can be and how easy it is too hate the whole process or even yourself!

Recently, even though I eat and exercise well, I was diagnosed with Amenorrhea. I have chosen to be open and honest about this on my blog in hopes of helping others. My husband and I value starting a family. In order to do that, I will work to understand a new meaning of health, once again, by adjusting my exercise and eating routines. It is not easy and it is not the conventional norm of eat less, exercise more, but it is yet another version of health. By sharing, I hope to educate, help, and support others through their journeys as well.

Together, I believe we can move past these distorted media stereotypes, that we can help your readers fall in love with fitness, nutrition, and health. We can teach them to enjoy nutrition and exercise for the right reasons as well as honor and be proud of their bodies. To know that it is ok to eat ice-cream sometimes and have yogurt and whole grain cereal other times. To try new sports because they want to as well as take a rest day if that is what their body needs. To learn, balance in their lives.

Homemade Pizza – a must have!

We we can put a fresh mindset into your viewership. One that shows that health, fitness, and nutrition are a way of life; it is not something you should do but something you want to do. We can show them that it is fun and how to make it something you enjoy and look forward to when you wake up each morning. We can give them fresh ideas and the motivation they need to allow them to Run for Fun or do any sort of exercise! Through articles, videos, Q&As, recipes, top 10 lists, and more we will empower your readers like never before. Today, I am alive; I am a strong, motivated healthy runner. I want to provide this to your readership. If given the chance, I will work with your readers to bring health, nutrition, and fitness into their lives for the right reasons. To empower them and to give them a chance to live!

Marathon Finisher 2011!

Amenorrhea Part II – Hard Choices

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Run For Fun

Thank you everyone for your wonderful supportive comments. I promise to respond soon. It really meant so much to me. Ok back to it..

The decisions that I made yesterday were not easy ones. They are unsettling, in some ways, difficult in others, and exciting in yet other ways. The choice to give up my May Marathon was not easy. The commitment to eat more with the potential to gain weight has been less than fun and the fact that I have to give up some of my beloved running just plain well sucks. But here we are Day 2 and I am still alive.

So how did this decision come to be? Well, before I even went to the doctor, I had an inkling he was going to tell me gain weight and reduce exercise, especially running because everyone always seems to go after the running. Why is that?!? However, regardless of my “inkling” I was not at all prepared for the cut the exercise in HALF and gain 10 lbs “prescription.” It seemed so counter intuitive to me – that all the things that are suppose to be “good for you” just became bad for me. This is how the conversation went:

Doctor: How much do you run?
Me: Well, not as much as others, I run 3 times a week, cross train 3 times a week.
Doctor: Can’t you just do less like 30 minutes instead of an hour
Me: Institute noise that sounds of like ehhhh and look down
Doctor: How much do you run on weekends?
Me: 2 hours-ish
Doctor: Can’t you do an hour?
Me: If I go faster…..Can’t we just start with the increase in food and then go to the running?
Doctor: Yes but if it does not work, we will take out the running and we will see that I was right
Me: Yes, but if eliminating the running and increasing the food does not work, we will see I am right.

Clearly, the doctor and I did not see eye to eye. Additionally, I knew this relationship was not going to work for me necessarily. I generally need someone who “gets” me and who can hold my hand a little bit more, especially when things are tough. I am also still not convinced that this is an all or nothing thing. So I did a little research and talked to more people.

Unfortunately, regardless of anyway you slice it, everyone seems to agree that I need to at least cut some exercise and eat a bit more. To make the decision to this was not easy. I wrestled with it over the past four days, I made Pros and Cons lists, I talked to more people, and I considered my priorities. I went from being just plain PISSED off that this was happening to me to feeling an enormous amount of pressure. I felt that even though my husband and I were in this together it was ultimately my decision. Would I gain weight and reduce training in hopes of getting us closer to having a baby or would I put it off to be a smaller size and run another marathon? I also felt extremely worried and self conscious. I stressed that I would gain a ton of weight and none of my clothes would fit and everyone would talk about all my weight gain. I worried that I would give up what I love to have a baby and resent this fact. Further I stressed about that I would give it all up and this potential solution would not actually work. I was scared that I would lose blogging if I was not training for a marathon and lose my training partner as well.

Not everyone understood. Why not just give up the running? No big deal right? Just gain a few pounds, no one will know, right? Some got it, but others just didn’t….

Why people can’t understand that this is me having fun is totally beyond me…

So I went through the motions – the sadness, the fear, the anger, and then ultimately the Acceptance. I realized that while I love running so much and that while I wanted to run a May Marathon, I could live without it. That there would be other marathons and that I could find other ways to support my love of running. That I could adapt and find ways to keep enjoying running as well as blogging for that matter. My running partner and I talked and she was totally awesome suggesting that we could run whatever I could on Sundays and she would pace me to a “wicked” fast half marathon come May and then we could go cheer on our speedy friend. That even though we could not run 15 miles together, we could do 6 or 8 miles or whatever I am allowed and then go for breakfast and she would be able to refuel from a hard workout and I could just, well, eat my 200 extra calories and enjoy!

Fruit Loops here I come

I talked to my family and made the decision to be open about this topic on my blog. To allow the experience to help me put a more personal spin on my blog. It does not mean that the running talk is going away (don’t worry) but that I can share more with you all and I am really excited about that.

As per the weight, we will see. Somehow letting others know that I have to be eating more makes it easier. I am not actually proud of that fact because I know the theory is that I am glad people know because they won’t think “I am out of control.” This is something I am admitting but NOT something I think is the healthy frame of mind. I am working towards being ok with the weight and food intake because that is what I need! That is what my future baby needs and I want to do everything in my power to prepare my body to be ready for a baby.

So there you have it. These were hard choices. They make me sad and, at the same time, happy, but hopefully they will make me stronger (and strong enough to have a period).

In the meantime, I keep trying to convince Aaron into a puppy, you know, for practice. He does not seem to be so agreeable. I guess one of us has to be the responsible one here..

Too cute!!! This is Aaron’s goldie from childhood, Jazz. She got to live out her years on a farm (literally) we miss her a lot now that she is no longer with us

Have you ever had to make tough choices? How do you do it?

The Truth – Ameno What?! Amenorrhea

Posted on January 29, 2012 by Run For Fun

Disclaimer: As you may have guessed from recent posts, some personal things have been going on in my life that I have not been 100% forthcoming with. I always debate how much I want to share on this blog, and lately, I could be sharing more than I have. After much consideration, I decided that it might be helpful for me and hopefully you all to open up a little more. Not sure where this will take my blog but we will just give it a go and see what you all think and if it works. I hope you will stick with me…

With great runs (and great running partners, husbands, and providers) comes, great clarity.

Luckily for me, I am blessed today with all of those things, which could not have come at a better time because I really needed all of these things to come together to make some big decisions. Today’s run and conversations before, during, and after have led to some BIG decisions, as they often do (it is something about running that just brings those wise thoughts or crazy spouts of energy). I am not sure where these decisions will lead, if they will change as we go, or if they will stay the same, but for this moment this is where we are at (and by tomorrow I may even be somewhere else, stay tuned).

The Big Decisions of 2012

Big Decision # 1 – I will not be running the NJ Marathon, if possible, I will do the half. Sigh.

I love marathons, there will always be another marathon.

Big Decision # 2 – I will increase my calorie intake by 200 calories a day, if not more.

White Chocolate French Toast here I come!

Big Decision # 3 – I will cut back training to 4 cardio sessions a week and 1 strength training sessions followed by two full days of rest (or a day of full rest and a day of Stretch, Flow, & Relaxation Yoga).

Me and my elliptical. Will you miss me? I promise to visit.

Now the explanation, and like I said, we are getting a little more personal here. I hope it can benefit us all. While Aaron and I are still very young, we have hopes of starting a family in the near future. We have been together for 8 years and are ready to add an addition to our home. The only problem being is to add that someone, namely a baby, you need to get pregnant. To get pregnant, generally, you need to get your period. I am not pregnant and I am not getting my period. This is, as you would guess, problematic.

No Aaron not that kind of baby, close though.

Let’s back up and give you the whole story. Until July, I was on the pill and getting regular periods, most likely due to the Pill. The combination of hormones in the Pill, estrogen and progesterone, allowed me to have regular monthly periods, keeping me healthy and my bones protected. In July, I went off the Pill and have not had my period since.

My doctor told me to wait, that some women take up to 3 months to re-regulate. I waited, but nothing happened. While this was ideal for marathon training, it was not so great for baby world. After the marathon, I went back to my doctor and we tried another hormone, Provera – a hormone meant to essentially “jump start” your body into having a period. Again, no luck.

Thursday, I saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist. In a very blunt and scientific manner, he looked at my labs and told me that I should stop exercising and sit on the couch and eat french fries (and yes that is what he said). I was diagnosed with exactly what I thought I would be diagnosed with – Secondary Amenorrhea.

SecondaryAmenorrhea occurs when a woman who was previously menstruating stops menstruating. It is, in essence, an absence of a period. While some might rejoice in this, it is not a good thing and it can have negative consequences if not treated.

Clearly, regardless of the “baby factor” we are taking this very seriously. It is not something to play around with. In comes the dilemma, what causes it and how to treat it. There are a number of opinions and causes. Some causes include natural ones, hormonal imbalances and structural issues. None of these fit me as far as we can tell. What does, however, fit me is these other “lifestyle causes” including stress, low body weight, and excessive exercise (maybe, it is debatable if this is actually a cause).

The “prescription” from my doctor, as noted, was to gain weight (10 lbs) and drastically reduce my exercise. But not every doctor subscribes to this theory. My nutritionist, Nancy Clark, argues that it is not the marathons but the caloric deficit that is problematic. In essence, my body does not have the calories it needs to sustain life or a period and do all that I am doing. Increase the calories, reduce some exercise, and see results.

Thursday night when I came home from the doctor, I was fairly distraught. The idea of just gaining 10 lbs and cutting out almost all exercise seemed a little much for me to handle. After doing some further research (thanks Google) and talking with Nancy, it seems that there are other options. Yet even further I feel the need to discuss with more doctors and get more opinions on which is the correct route to go for me.

In the past few days, I have talked with a lot of friends and professionals. I have ridden a bit of an emotional roller coaster and I have made the above decisions. However, getting to these decisions was not easy. In some respects, after gathering more information, these decisions may change again…But for now, let’s start here, with how I came to this decision….

To Be Continued…

Have you had any experience with Amenorrhea? Do you struggle to decide how much to share if you blog?

*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I am not providing advice as a professional but sharing my story.