Well kids, the hills are alive with the soundsof lovemaking this week on The Bachelor. It’s the creepy Fantasy Suite episode!
Tonight, I was down at Brian’s grandmother’shouse. After explaining my Bachelor blogsituation, she insisted that we turn the train wreck on immediately. Her thoughts on Bachelor Ben: “I wouldn’teven want to keep him in a closet, he looks like a moose.”
Amber, my equally sarcastic sis, guest bloggedNikki’s date for me this evening, here she is with her short recap:
Ben meetsNikki in a lovely field with goats in Switzerland. They enjoy a picnic and then a helicopter swoops in and whisks them tothe top of the Alps. I was just waiting to see Julie Andrews out of the cornerof my eye, spinning in a circle and singing at the top of her lungs, but nodice. All kidding aside, it’s freaking beautiful up there.
They landthe helicopter on the edge of a cliff (literally the edge, it looked like itwas gonna fall to a fiery death). And have yet another picnic – whatever Nikkiis super cute and bubbly and normal and Ben will probably screw it upanyway. Then they go to a log cabin andNikki gets an invite to spend the night with creepy Ben. Nikki, who nowunderstands she’s going to have to go through with this staying overnightsituation gets really liquored up and jumps in the hot tub professing her lovefor him. So I’m guessing she’s goin home…
Okay, Rhi is back…
If Ben jumped off a bridge would you?
Lindzi, who really needs to get her roots doneand fix a few flyaway hairs, trots towards Ben awaiting her next Bacheloradventure. The producers must reallyhate this poor girl because she’s in for another death defying drop! At least she’s allowed to keep most of herclothes on this time. Instead of jumping out of a helicopter, she gets torepel 300 feet down a gorge. Aren’t wepast the adventure dates yet? Oh and Benlovers, if you swooned over the beefcake in a cowboy hat, wait til’ you see himin a rock-climbing helmet with a camera mounted to the top of it.
After Lindzi makes it to solid ground she’sinstructed to disrobe and immediately get in the Swiss hot tub. After a sensual soak, it’sdinnertime, and Bennie boy is wearing a bow tie to the table. Once again, the dinner conversation isriveting. He repeatedly congratulatesLindz on being really “open” and “vulnerable”. Is this all this guy has to talkabout?
Before he lets her eat anything, Ben immediately handsher an invitation and an antique key and invites her to stay “as a couple” inThe Bachelor fantasy suite. “As acouple” is ABC’s way of teaching teenage girls watching The Bachelor to onlyaccept keys to fantasy suites if you’re going to be “doing it” as a“couple”.
Don’t you wish every one-night stand or bedroominvite happened like that? There youare, overserved and slurring outside a bar with the dude you’ve been sloppilykissing in a corner most of the night, when he hands you an antique key and aninvite to his “fantasy suite.”
While America cringes and hides under their coffeetables, Lindzi announces that she likes where this fantasy suite date it isgoing, Just when you think the camera is going to pan away and we can allimagine Ben and Lindzi making baby colts in the Swiss adventure suite, we get avoyeuristic view of Lindzi and Ben’s lovemaking.
Oh, hello! Courtney and her baby voice are onthe loose in the Swiss Alps. Ben has planneda “Swiss” date for Courtney that includes a train ride and you guessed it, apicnic! Meanwhile, somewhere on a horsefarm in Florida Lindzi is throwing things at her television.
After the train ride, while Court & Ben areenjoying their 3rd picnic together of the season, Ben shows off his“garden gnome” jig. Ben also tells Courtabout this awesome game he and his sister used to play called “Hey Cow”. To participate in a game of “HEY COW” onemust simply scream “HEY COW” at poor helpless grazing cows and if they turnaround, you win. Ben’s evil little game kindof reminded me of a game my sister and I used to play called “sock balls”. Thepremise of “sock balls” is simple: take offyour socks, roll them into balls and throw them as hard as you can at eachother.
Forgoing their Rooms
So Ben & Court talk about her bad behaviorand then she gets handed the key to the fantasy suite. They then go back to North Conway’s log cabinAdventure Suite and make out in a barrel.
Question: Is Ben bored with thesegirls, void of a personality or just plain stupid? Maybe he’s just a perv that went on The Bachelorto have 3 guaranteed nights in a “fantasy suite” with 3 very hot ladies.
Outcome: Like the spoiler alert I read 3 months agosaid, Lindzi and Courtney get the rose. Looks like Nikki’s back to cleaning teeth.