Beating a Dead Horse

It’s the hometown dates episode!

Lindzi, who traded her Old Navy dress for some spurs, bringsBen home to introduce him to her horse boyfriends, Black Beauty, Seabiscuit& Mr. Ed. Ben says he’s unfamiliar with horses and never imagined them tobe a big part of his life, well buddy, saddle up.

Lindzi talks about her first horse boyfriend and brings Benon a Chariots of Fire type journey around the ranch.  They sit down for a picnic and Ben shows offhis amazing conversation skills.  Hekeeps remarking on how impressed he is that Lindzi was dumped before.  Buddy, we’ve all been effing dumped,hard.  Lindzi says that she feels vulnerableand admits that vulnerable is also a very big word for her. Makes sense, she’s used to words like “horse” “hoof” “mane” and “trot”. 

Just when you thought you’d never see a bigger tool thanBen, we meet Lindzi’s dad Harry.  Hechallenges Ben to a carriage race – I guess that’s their version of a littleone-on-one basketball.  I gotta be honest,Harry seems like that guy in your office you try to avoid at the watercooler. 

Lindzi’s mom says she kept her daughter so busy withcheerleading and horses that Lindz didn’t have much time to date (humans) whileHarry bragged about all of Lindzi’s horse and dog siblings. 

Kacie B. rounds up her old high school marching band andtries to impress Ben with her baton twirling skills.  He says he loved it, but I have to be honest,it seems like he hated it and thought it was weird.  Kacie gives Ben a quick history of her family,who all sound lovely, and Ben looks like he’s looking for a horse to jump onand ride out of there.  Mid-story he sighsand pulls a bottle of booze out of his pocket. In this moment, Kacie tells Ben that there will definitely not be anopen bar at the meeting with her straight edge parents.  My sister Amber reminded me of an aproposChelsea Handler quote, “There are two types of people I don’t trust: people whodon’t drink & people who collect stickers.” 

Ben tells Kacie’s dad about how The Bachelor has helped himtalk about his feelings.  Well, this goesover like a lead balloon. Kacie B’s dad doesn’t strike me as a guy that talksabout feelings or watches reality television for that matter. In summary: KacieB.’s family basically sabotage the entire show for Kacie by scaring the shizout of Ben during his night at their dry campus. 

Can you imagine the fight that ensued at casa de Kacie assoon as the cameras stopped rolling?

Nikki, the dental hygienist, welcomes Ben to Fort Worth, TX.  She immediately outfits him in a cowboyboots, a belt and a hat.  I just wantedto rip his greasy hair and push it under the hat.  If you happen to be turned on by guys incowboy hats, you should really fast forward through Nikki’s hometown date, Benis going to ruin it for you. 

Nikki’s parents look exactly like Kacie B.’s parents butthey seem way nicer.  They’re so happyfor her and supportive.  Thank god she’snot going to win the show.  We don’t needreality television to ruin this nice little family. 

Courtney introduces Ben to her fake family that she hiredfor this episode.  She says it’s a big dealfor her to bring a guy home. Makes sense, it’s usually the other way around; guysbring her home every night. 

Court’s dad, who is wearing an argyle sweater in the desertand resembles Bob Barker, tries to talk tough with Ben. While Court’s mom, who’sno stranger to the botox needle seems a little skeptical about Big Ben, butplays nice for the camera.  After theyleave the movie set, Ben & Court recite vows (hers plagiarized from a Sex& The City episode) at some sort of fake wedding ceremony which Courtneyorganized during her time off from her stay at McLean hospital.

Result: Kacie B. is sent home so Ben doesn’t have to feel weird about pressuring her to go past second base next episode.  See you in Europe next week!